Venturing Into The Unknown

I’m a leaver; if I’m not feeling it, I’m gone. Call it avoidance, boredom, or restlessness, call it whatever you want. I’ve become less critical of my need for movement and change when I know it’s time to experience something else. Leaving the US to travel to Latin America was unexpected, and it led me to places, both internal and external, that I didn’t know existed within me.

I spent many of my mornings at my administrative job, drawing, writing, and imagining what could be. The long political conversations with my coworkers, checking astrology transits, and listening to podcasts between seeing patients before heading to a workout became the norm. The conversations about leaving the country were constant, yet everything around me stayed the same.

Some of the connections I experience act as mirrors, reflecting my current stage of life. I went on a last-minute date with a guy I met on Hinge months before I became sober, while I was still using dating apps and chasing dopamine. We drove around the city, grabbed lunch before sunset, while he talked about moving to New York City to pursue his creative goals. After sharing Thai food and discussing New York again, I asked him, “Why are you still waiting to leave?” He didn’t respond.

We didn’t see each other again after that day. I called off our next date, but the question I asked him lingered in the back of my mind for weeks.

I drove to a cemetery near my job, exhausted and overcaffeinated. I knew it was time for a change. While sitting quietly in my car, something in me just knew it was time to make the shift. That afternoon at work, I gave my two weeks' notice and booked a flight to Mexico shortly after, not knowing what would come next.

The moments I’ve taken leaps, cut cords, and Irish good-byeed permanently have propelled me into some of the most rewarding and challenging times of my life. Leaving rarely feels good in the moment. I would think, well, it can work out. Why not, right? Even though I knew I would try to find ways to stay and stick it out, even when my body was saying, please leave. This time, I listened and let myself see what existed on the other side of this exit.